Well, it’s that time again folks. Just a few days until Celtic play the Rangers Reboot in another Old Faux Derby. And as usual, the press have started early with their predictable barrage of bovine excrement.
It’s as Sad as it is Expected
So, what can we expect to read about this week?
Interviews with players and managers ahead of the game? Honest analysis based on a fair appraisal of the strengths and weaknesses of both teams?
Nah, instead we’ll just have to spend a week watching the mainstream media once again try to convince us, and themselves, that “The Real Rangers are coming.”
Not so Great Scots
Unless Doc Brown wants to give the Daily Record a shot of his DeLorean and let the hacks head back to pre-2012, we all know that’s not happening. As Celtic move further ahead, we know that, in order to maintain some semblance of readership, our tabloid press have to detach themselves further from reality.
I’ve spoken before of how embarrassing it is to see Scottish journalism reduced to this. But here we are, and we might as well have a laugh while we’re at it.
Your Derby Week Bingo Card
So, in honour of the occasion, I’ve taken the trouble to prepare your very own checklist for Derby Week Bingo. Award yourself 1 point for each of the following each time you read it in the papers or online, 2 points if you see it on the news, and -5 points if you saw it on GB News or in The Sun, because you should be ashamed of yourself for even going near those!
1) At Least 4 Celtic Players “Strongly Linked” with moves away from the club
We’ve seen early hints at this already. There have been, entirely speculative, stories over the last couple of weeks, linking Alastair Johnston, Daizen Maeda and Nicholas Kuhn with moves away from Celtic. Of course, upon reading the “exclusives” in question you soon realize they’ve been written from a position of hope on the writer’s part rather than hard facts.
Nevertheless, in their pursuit of all things staunch, I expect the media to double down on this over the next few days. Expect stories linking players like Reo Hatate, Cameron Carter-Vickers and others with imminent transfers.
And, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, it’ll all be utter nonsense.
2) “It’s a Derby, So Anything Can Happen”
Expect this tired trope, and probably at least a dozen variations of it to be trotted out between now and Sunday. The emphasis won’t be on proper journalistic analysis, it’ll be all about giving the Ibrox Hordes false hope.
Expect all manner of “experts” from Rangers’ glorious, tax-payer funded excesses of yesteryear to regale us with stories of “Old Firm Derby Shocks”.
Once more, for the hard of thinking, there is no Old Firm, and the club these players once represented is no more.
3）The Takeover is Still Happening, Honest!
It’s all been a bit quiet on the takeover front recently, despite Keith Jackson’s self-penned victory lap last week. Expect reports of further movement on this story towards the end of the week, whether its true or not.
As I’ve said before, the media are playing a dangerous game by continuing to treat Rangers fans like moonbeam-chasing idiots. But then again, there’s enough of them who go ahead and buy into it, that it must be profitable, I suppose.
4) Barry Ferguson “Knows How to Win These Games”
Ok, this might be something of a retread of point 2, but its specific to the man currently occupying the managers seat at Ibrox. Barry Ferguson is, by most accounts, a decent human being. In particular, as someone who grew up in Cumbernauld and Kilsyth, I know from first hand testimony that he did a lot of good work for men’s mental health during his time with Clyde. For that, he has my respect.
However, his coaching experience to date means he is woefully underqualified for the Ibrox hotseat. His entire team have been appointed for no other reason than fan appeasement.
By playing to the most volatile and most ignorant elements of the Rangers support, in appointing “Real Rangers Men” to run the team, the board obviously share a similar opinion about the gullibility of their own fanbase as the mainstream media do.
Despite this, the media will have the Rangers support thinking he’s Alex Ferguson by Sunday.
5) Unrest in the Celtic Squad
Expect at least one story implying that there is some kind of falling out or disunity in the background among Celtic’s first team squad. It might be an allegation about a player breaching club discipline, it might be someone putting in a transfer request, you get the drill.
As usual, the stories will have about as much actual value as Rangers’ latest share issue.
6) Brendan Rodgers “Still Won’t Sign a New Deal”
Brendan Rodgers has been quite clear, and in all honesty far more diplomatic about it than I would be, when continually asked about his contract situation in recent months.
Such discussions will, I’m sure take place in earnest at the end of the season, if they haven’t already.
Until then, Rodgers is our manager, contracted for at least another season, and his employment situation is no-one’s business but his own.
In any case, the media will continue to milk this non-story for all its worth.
7) A lot of Waffle about “Sectarianism at Celtic Park”
Of course, when you can’t get at Celtic for their failings on the park, then the next course of action is to go after our fanbase, especially the more politically outspoken elements of that fanbase.
So, we can expect at least a couple of stories about the “ugly songbook” at Celtic Park, and the links with Irish Republicanism, which, last time I checked was a legitimate political ideal and not in any way “sectarian”.
All the while, not a word will be said about the continuous and routine Anti-Irish racism that bellows out of Ibrox at every home game.
Double standards, but again, should we expect any less at this point?
Ultimately, Celtic will do their Talking on the Pitch
So, there you go, your very own Glasgow Derby Bingo Card. I expect you’ll probably have half of them ticked off already by the time you read this.
But don’t be angry, don’t take the bait. Let them spew their nonsense. It will only make Celtic’s decisive, and I’m sure, convincing win on Sunday all the more satisfying.